i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
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Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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