After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
