you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
