Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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