One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
