omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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