Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
soo... how was my night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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