I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
