nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
