I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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