I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
