He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just forgot I was standing up.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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