Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
