Where is the hickey?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
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