My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I believe in your delicious
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
