just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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