i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
