Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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