I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!