So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab