I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome