rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm experimenting with sincerity
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
