Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.