Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
