i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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