I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
