I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
