were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
