the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
