i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
