Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
