He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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