First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
