no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
