I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
