It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
