Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
