well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
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Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10