Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You took a bar mat shot.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.