Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.