If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
