I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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