There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
