so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
