I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
