I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
