she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
