I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
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I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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