matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
