Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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