I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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