Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
