There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm passing your future prison.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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