If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
