I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I touched a dick in church today
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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