yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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