She said her name was "party"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
