Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
