I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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