That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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