i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
