so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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