Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Sober January is a disaster.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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