apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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