May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
